Today we’re going to focus on three different strategies. Each is different in terms of sophistication and potential consequences, but all have been proven to be successful. And each has the important benefit of being extremely unlikely to land you in jail.

We will also consider a case study for each strategy to help you apply them in the real world.

The Legitimate Loan Shark

Risk of jail-time: low
Profit potential: high
Sophistication: low

There are about 1200 payday loan operations across Canada. These businesses provide small, short-term loans at high interest rates. Canada’s criminal code prohibits charging more than a 60% annual interest rate, but these companies get around this by charging the maximum legal rate (Money Mart charges 59%) and then tacking on “fees”. With the fees viewed as interest, the rates for these loans skyrocket past the legal limit.

Goal: Make a lot of money illegally.

Strategy:

1. Don’t try to hide it. Secretive criminals look sneaky. If you want to break the law, register a business and advertise.

2. Service a niche market that depends on you. Payday lenders say their service is necessary, because banks don’t lend small amounts of money, and sometimes, people just need to survive until their next cheque.

3. Rename the parts of your business that are illegal. It’s not interest, it’s fees.

4. Claim you’re only breaking the law a little bit. “If I was to loan an individual $100 for five days and charge that individual $1, that is 107 per cent on an annual rate,” says Canadian Payday Loan Association spokesman Bob Whitelaw.

Case Study: Building and Growing a Human Trafficking Ring

Yuri Ropov wants to import poor Romanians so they can clean and provide companionship for single, lonely middle-aged men (see 2). Yuri has studied the payday loan industry carefully and he knows what steps to take – and what mistakes to avoid.

First, Yuri registers a business called Exotic Migrant Cleaning Charity and establishes a downtown storefront (see 1). He immediately starts advertising that he provides cleaning services performed by Romanian volunteers for minimal amounts of money.

By advertising, Yuri gains an immediate advantage over the police, who assume his business must be legitimate. And by calling his imported Romanians volunteers, he no longer needs to abide by employment laws such as the minimum wage (see 3).

When Yuri is confronted by an irate citizen who uncovers his business practices, Yuri points out that he only has a few illegal immigrants working for him, and most are quite diminutive (4).

The Unflappable Patriot

Risk of jail-time: zero
Profit potential: moderate
Sophistication: moderate to high, depending on locale

President George Bush is embroiled in a controversy over his administration’s illegal domestic wire-tapping activities. The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) makes it clear that spying on an American citizen requires a warrant from a court set up for that purpose, but thousands of Americans were spied on without these legally-required warrants.

Goal: Do whatever you want regardless of legality.

Strategy:

1. Assume a position of authority.

2. Hide your illegal activities. No one has to know what probably isn’t hurting them if they’re not Arabs or liberals.

3. When your illegal activities become public knowledge:

a) Immediately acknowledge you are responsible for the activities
b) Deny that you’ve done anything wrong
c) Hire a lawyer (preferably the Attorney General)

4. Repeat the following words and phrases at every opportunity: “terrorism”, “war on terror”, “terrorist activities”, “protect democracy”, “Osama bin Laden”, “September 11”.

5. Deny the law says what it says, and even if it did say that, it doesn’t apply to you. See 3 c).

6. Rename your illegal activities (see Legitimate Loan Shark, step 3). The Bush administration and its supporters have renamed the domestic spying program the “terrorist surveillance program“.

7. Go on a public-relations offensive.

Case Study: Selling Cocaine to High School Students

Willy Wilson has a reliable supply of high-grade Columbian cocaine. He knows that teenagers love to party, and if he can get them hooked while they’re young they’ll probably be life-long customers. Luckily for Willy, he has closely followed Bush’s career, so he knows what steps to take – and what mistakes to avoid.

First, Willy applies for the position of guidance counsellor at his target high school. He knows that in this role he will be trusted and he’ll also have access to the school’s most troubled students, a key market niche for coke dealers.

After two-and-a-half years of profit, word gets out during a PTA meeting that something isn’t quite right. Allegations of improper behaviour are levelled at Willy.

Willy keeps his cool and immediately acknowledges that he is a coke-dealing guidance counsellor. However, since the primary reason students fail in school is a lack of concentration and attention in class, his supply of a powerful stimulant to students helps improve their grades.

“In the war against terror,” he tells a local television crew, “it’s vital that all of our citizens, including our teenagers, guard vigilantly against Osama bin Laden. The cause of democracy is not advanced when our citizens can’t stay awake.”

Finally, Willy registers a company called Slightly Stronger than Coffee and advertises his All-Natural Coca Crystals in the local paper.

The Questionable Memoir

Risk of jail-time: zero
Risk of negative public perception: high
Profit potential: very high
Sophistication: low

The untruthfulness of James Frey’s book A Million Little Pieces is now undisputed, but he’s still sold millions of books and made millions of dollars. However, because of the damage to his reputation, this strategy is not recommended.

Goal: lie to people for personal gain.

Strategy:

1. Lie.

2. Promptly cash all cheques received as a result of 1.

3. When confronted by accusations of dishonesty, mull on the nuances of human perception and the uncertainty of memory. Suggest a truth-to-lies ratio in percentage terms that indicates you are mostly truthful.

4. Relax in the renewed glow of the approval of your peers.

5. When confronted by accusations of dishonesty for a second time, recast your lies as “ideas” and “alterations”, but admit you have made mistakes. Mutter helplessly.

6. Retire with your millions in shame.

Analysis

This strategy is potentially profitable, but due to its costs to personal reputation and dignity, it is not recommended. Other strategies are almost as profitable with fewer negative consequences. Thus, a case study will not be presented.

Instead, it is worth examining the reasons this strategy is a failure. First, this strategy is obviously completely legal. This might seem like an advantage, but is actually to its detriment: criminal strategies snarl people up in endless discussions over their legality, which neatly removes the need to consider their morality. Adopting a legal strategy means people will immediately judge you on ethical and moral grounds, which is rarely in your benefit.

Second, the consequences for the people you’ve taken advantage of are minimal, which means people are less likely to assume you were acting to protect their interests. Payday loan companies make poor people poorer by giving them money to help them out of their poverty. Bush violates the freedom of Americans in order to safeguard their freedom.

Frey, on the other hand, fabricated parts of his book so people would pay $25 a piece for it. And that is truly unforgivable.

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This post was partly inspired by Jon Stewart’s commentary.

This election, I’m voting for tax cuts. Why the heck shouldn’t I? I deserve a break. I don’t need most of what our government spends money on anyway.

Take publicly-funded health care, for example. I don’t need it. I’m perfectly healthy and I’m planning on staying that way. By the time I get old and sick I’ll be rich and I’ll just go down to a clinic in the States.

I’m young enough to be healthy but I’m old enough to be out of school. And that’s why I say screw publicly-funded education. I graduated years ago.

The list of crap I don’t need goes on and on. Same-sex marriage? I’m straight. National child-care program? I don’t have kids. Compensation for abuse in native schools? I’m white. Investments in public transit? I work at home. More money for seniors? See above.

What matters to me is tax cuts. Not the environment, because let’s face it, as long as I have clean water to take a shit in, there’s nothing wrong with the environment. Not roads, because as I already pointed out, I work at home – besides, if I ever need to commute, I’ll get an SUV with 4 wheel-drive that can handle the terrain.

Tax cuts. Tax cuts, because I am sick and tired of funding the miserable citizens of this backwater American province. You’re a single mom? Maybe you should have thought about how I was going to vote this election before you went and impregnated yourself.

This is payback for when you showed up at the supermarket with your saggy breasts and your screaming child. I saw you take a cab when you left with your bags of Kraft Dinner and that told me right then that money spent on public transit is wasted money, because you don’t even use it.

Is it possible for me to entirely base my vote on tax cuts? Of course it is. And that’s why this election, it’s time to stand up for me.