Political Hot Potato

As our politicians continue to play games, Canadians are more and more frustrated with our government, especially the federal government, which is supposed to be running the country. An issue that comes up over and over again is democratic reform. Given our politicians’ marked lack of interest in this issue, I’m proposing a new solution that I think would deliver dramatic results.

It’s a television game show called Political Hot Potato. Here’s how it works. Each leader of a Canadian federal party is forced to participate. They are confined to a small arena which is completely enclosed in bullet-proof glass (for the protection of the spectators, not the politicians, as you’ll soon see).

Then they don special vests, each packed with explosives, which display a large colourful timer. The incumbent politician is the first one holding the Political Hot Potato, which simply means that his timer is the one that starts counting down first. The timer starts at 10 seconds and counts to zero, should it reach zero, the explosive vest detonates and the politician is thus removed from the electoral process.

To pass the Political Hot Potato, the politician simply has to touch one of the other participants, whose vest will start counting down from 10. When a player successfully passes the Potato, his vest resets to 10 seconds and stops counting.

Here’s how I see this working out:

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“Right this way gentlemen”, said the referee as he led Paul Martin, Jack Layton, Stephen Harper and Gilles Duceppe down the hall towards the centre of the arena. The men could hear the screams of the crowd echoing down the concrete corridor. The cheering built into a crescendo as they came out of the corridor and clambered into the ring.

The politicians looked nervously at each other. “Here we go again”, said Martin, shifting his bulky vest uncomfortably. “Why do I always get stuck holding the Potato???”

“OOOOOOOOOHHHH-KAY!!!” bellowed the announcer. “TIME TO GET STARTED WITH TONIGHT’S GAME OF POLITICAL HOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTT POTATO!”

The crowd roared its appreciation. Layton could see the announcer off in the distance. Ominously, his head was covered in a black hood. Layton started to worry that the announcer was a conservative, maybe even a former Reform party member.

“Okay guys”, said Martin. “This will be starting in a just a few moments and it doesn’t look so good for us. I have a suggestion. Why don’t we cooperate by simply standing around in a ring, passing the Potato around and around? That way our timers will constantly reset, and we’ll last the night! What do you think, Jack?” Martin gave Layton a friendly slap on the back. “BEEP!” Layton’s face lit up with the glow from the LED display on this vest. He was now holding the Hot Potato!

“What a second! The game hasn’t even – ” Layton was cut off by the announcer. “ANNNNNND…GO!”

“Okay, fine” said Layton. “Let’s do it”. He passed the Potato to Harper, who immediately passed it to Duceppe, who passed it back to Martin. The politicians started passing the Potato around and around, the timers beeping loudly with each pass. The plan appeared to be working.

Several minutes went by and the crowd started to grow impatient. Layton could see that people weren’t happy. At this rate they’d still be passing the Potato during the Christmas holidays, and that just wouldn’t do.

“Hey, Steve and Gilles, I’ve got a new idea”, he said. “How about the three of us petition the announcer to increase our timers to 20 seconds each, and decrease Paul’s timer to 3 seconds? If Paul is really interested in cooperating with us, he should be fine with that.”

“I don’t think so”, said Martin. “You can’t just change the rules in the middle of the game.”

“Eet’z fine with me”, said Duceppe. “Me too”, said Harper. “I don’t think Paul has the moral authority to keep passing around the Potato”.

“Hey, announcer!” called Layton feebly. “Announcer? We’d like to change the rules! Can we change the rules please?”

“OHHHHHHHHHH-KAY!” roared the announcer, giving no hint that he had heard Layton through the layers of plexiglass that separated them. “IT’S TIME FOR ROUNNNNND 2! LAST PERSON LEFT STANDING GETS TO BE PRIME MINISTER!”

“What!?!?” exclaimed Duceppe. “I don’t want to become prime minister, I just want to ” – BEEP! Harper had poked him right in the gut and now his timer was counting down!

“Ahhhhhhhh!” screamed Duceppe as he chased after Martin. Martin faked left, then right, but it was no use. Duceppe tagged him. BEEP!

Martin looked around, panicked. The wily separatist had speed, and Harper and Layton were in the far corner of the arena. Huffing and puffing, he ran at Harper. “SIX! FIVE! FOUR!” The crowd was on its feet. “I knew all the poutine would do me no good”, he thought. But Harper was none too speedy either. Martin was gaining…

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