After a short stint off the headlines, Karla’s back and she’s bigger than ever, baby. A quick recap: she got hired by a guy named Richer LaPointe to work in his hardware store. He claims to be a citizen with a strong sense of public duty who wanted to help Karla integrate with society. This apparently entailed secretly taping conversations with Karla and then going to the media, exposing her whereabouts and accusing her of violating her release conditions. This “half-wit opportunist” (thanks alevo) is currently facing charges of his own (unrelated to Karla) that include sexual assault and breaking and entering, which you would think would diminish his credibility somewhat. But not enough, apparently, to put a damper on the latest spasm of Homolkamania: it’s everywhere. Canada & Karla: Season 2 of our favourite reality show is back and in prime-time.

In the United States, criminals like Karla stay firmly behind bars, often for sentences so long they are ludicrous (like 175 years, for example). Here in Canada, where “life in prison” actually means “15-25 years in prison”, we seem intent on seeing what happens when we have to learn to live with them. It’s like a version of Growing Up Gotti where they let John Gotti out of prison just so they can film the show. “Honey, I’m going out to whack somebody, back later.” “Okay dear, don’t be late for dinner!” [Cue laugh track.]

Canada’s justice system, adept at catching your more run-of-the-mill offenders, just doesn’t seem to know what to do with the really big cases. Liana White is found dead and her husband Michael is swiftly charged with her murder. Twenty, thirty, forty sex trade workers go missing in Vancouver and police are like, “huh? what serial killer?”. Or take the Air India case, where terrorists blew up a flight from Canada in 1985, killing 329 people. Twenty years later, still no successful prosecution of anybody.

Live in an American red state and if someone murders your loved one, you get to watch them fry. Live in Canada, your best bet for revenge are prank calls:

Two popular Quebec radio hosts have interviewed Karla Homolka and her lawyer Sylvie Bordelais in a remarkable prank phone call to be aired today.

CKOI hosts Sebastien Trudel, 24, and Marc-Antoine Audet, 25 — known to their listeners as the “Masked Avengers” — called Bordelais yesterday posing as Quebec’s justice minister and his assistant.

What a gas!

Even our friends over at whereiskarla.com seem a little bewildered:

Karla is in the Montreal general area. Please contact your local authorities for more detailed information. We did not post our updates during the media frenzy. We do not wish to participate in a media style of glamorizing Karla.

“INFORMING THE PUBLIC” claims their website in big bold letters. “Karla is in the Montreal general area.” Fantastic job, guys. Thanks to you, there’s an easy way for us all to stay safe: avoid Montreal. And its general area.

Apparently, anyway:

Canada flexes its muscles in dispute over Arctic wastes

Gunboat diplomacy say what?

At least our wastes are safe.

You have to be suspicious of the music recording industry. This handful of large entertainment conglomerates, and other various recording artists, who have been particularly active in the defense of their own distribution rights. They have been complaining a lot. They say they are being pirated out of their well-deserved billions. Worse, they say it is everyone else’s fault.

While most industries have found a way to profit from Internet technology, the recording industry (a term I use loosely, and with some regret) has not been able to wrap its greedy head around a successful strategy. Instead, they have let their characteristic opportunism get in the way of true innovation.

Ten years ago, the formula for success in the music business was straightforward. Promotion and lifestyle niche marketing led to celebrity and successful branding. At this point in music history, every music form had its own brand and its own celebrity. Major recording musicians and their labels had a license to print money, and they were so busy at it, that they failed to notice that the currency was changing.

Their core consumers were growing disinterested. It’s not as though Tweens and college students all of a sudden decided they wanted to steal their music. They just decided it wasn’t worth anything. The promotional tactics of the Nineties were fast becoming irrelevant. The albums and singles on offer no longer captivated the attention span, or allegiance, of music’s key consumers, and they certainly didn’t need the products that the music industry was offering. Hillary Duff purses were not a substitute for the bold changes occurring in other mediums.

For the rest of the public, the promotional veneer had already worn thin. Adult consumers were growing interested in purchase affordability and flexibility. The music industry was offering over-inflated boxed sets and pricey concert DVDs. Where was the daring solution to capture our attention? There was no effort on the part of the recording industry to stay ahead of the curve, in terms of manufacturing a relevant product. They were far from proactive in telling consumers how the Internet was going to change the way they interacted with their industry.

Instead, the recording industry has worked hard to describe file sharing as piracy – fleeting customer loyalties as naivety. They are trying to guilt customers back into buying music. As a result, the pact between musicians and the public has never seemed less glamorous.

The public is being spun into believing that albums are not like every other commodity. In the post Back Street Boys era, consumers are now supposed to now understand music is an art form. It is built from the blood, sweat and tears of the musician. It is intellectual property and we must compensate someone for his or her talent. This assertion rides on questionable integrity.

Read today, that music industry giant Garth Brooks has signed an exclusive distribution deal with Wal-Mart Stores Inc. Following the lead of other industry mavericks like the Rolling Stones and Elton John (with Best Buy Inc), or Alanis Morrisette (with Starbucks), Garth is going to make some of his products harder to get. What’s more, he is doing it in style. Imagine the cachet that will be added to his artistic credibility. (Wal-Mart: a company that reeks of authenticity and culture.)

I’m sure that this latest wave of corporate synergy between the recording industry and big-box retailers will do nothing to reduce the commercial crassness that makes most people feel so cynical about buying music in the first place.

To boot, it’s not daring, and it’s not what consumers want. I feel no pity for an industry without industry. And I’m going home to download the next big star.

Drop your lottery tickets.

Cancel your pay-per-click Google account.

Find the male of the chrysokalla and:

a man who has been kneaded together. The gold of the Ethiopian earth produces it from its drops. A certain species of ant brings the gold to the surface of the earth and enjoys it. Put him together with his wife of vapour, till the divine bitter water comes out. When it has thickened, or colored red with the juice of the golden vine of Egypt, then smear it over the leaflets of the light-bringing goddess and also of the red copper or of the red Venus and then thicken it until it coagulates into gold.

This simple recipe for creating gold is brought to you by Olympiodoros, Byzantine alchemist.

Alchemy. The lost art based on impossible-to-follow instructions with a promised reward appealing enough to entice many: turn lead into gold. Become rich. Resurrected in the modern era by the Internet marketer: fill out surveys. Become rich.

Buy my e-book. Become rich. Purchase my audio tapes. Become rich.

Sell bath products to your neighbours. Purchase your bath products from your other neighbour. Become rich. Also, win friends and influence people.

A Chymicall treatise of the Ancient and highly illuminated Philosopher, Devine and Physitian, Arnoldus de Nova Villa who lived 400 years agoe, never seene in print before, but now by a Lover of the Spagyrick art made publick for the use of Learners, printed in the year 1611.

has become

Discover The Amazing Winning Secret To Selling On The Internet! Many will try and most will fail. Why? Because to sell on the Internet you must have the one ingredient that most Internet Marketers are missing…A HUGE AUDIENCE!

A HUGE AUDIENCE. Today’s philosopher’s stone?

Word has reached me through the grapevine that a certain individual’s mother received a secretive late-night phone call from her son not too long ago. He was on a date and he’d run out of money. Mom understood that this was an embarassing situation. A quick electronic funds transfer of $20 and the date was back on track…

Correctly guess the identity of mama’s boy and receive a prize. Entrants with prior knowledge will be disqualified.