To the long list of things I’ve learned from our cats I add this:

True love is when you enjoy having someone sit on your lap even when they smell like shit.

I received this email today:

Good Day,

It is my sincere prayers and wishes that the year has been fulfilling and rewarding for you and your family. Sorry to surprise you and take some of your time in going through this unexpected letter of plea for your understanding and assistance. This message may come as a surprise as we have not met, but I am in desperately in need of your help.

I got this contact out of desperation and frustration,I am a victim of the Sunday the 26th of December 2004 TSUNAMI STRIKE where I lost my whole family and virtually everything I have laboured for. My name is MR.ABDUL JABBAR a Saudi national and a merchant in Indonesia, Now I have been diagnosed with prostate, Oesophageal Cancer and High Blood Pressure that was discovered after the strike and shock from the heavy under-water wave that claimed many lives.

I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, because, I am very rich,I was always nice to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. Presently, I am at the hospitals where I have been undergoing treatment for oesophageal cancer. I have now lost my ability to talk and my doctor has told me that I have only a few months to live.

It is my last wish to see that my money distributed to Victims of the TSUNAMI using the allocated Agencies like the UNICEF, UN. SAVE THE CHILDREN etc.The last of my money, which is the huge cash deposit of that I have with Financial Firm in THAILAND, (BANGKOK) I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations in charge of the tsunami victims and let them know that it is I, Abdul Jabbar that is making this generous donation and also you should deduct 15% of the total money as a reward for your time and generosity. I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come.

I pray that God uses you to support and assist me with good heart. I am not afraid of death hence I have seen plenty of them in recent times. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you all necessary information and the contact details of the holding firm in Thailand where the funds are presently been held in safe custody. You can also contact my lawyer who know better about me and the full details about this financial firm where I deposited the money. His name is Barrister Francis cambell.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Abdul Jabbar

For some reason, Mr. Abdul Jabbar sounded familiar to me. Oh yeah:

Saudi national, Indonesian merchant and NBA Rookie of the Year.

Stay tuned as I navigate the perilous waters of international fraud in the hopes of cashing in on Mr. Jabbar’s vast wealth.

I settle into the theatre seat next to my cutie-pie. We’re at the premier of A History of Violence (free tickets, woo hoo) and looking forward to it. Then, to our dismay, we see him: it’s J.

I use his initial only here, because I don’t want to ruin his relationship with his girlfriend by revealing his full name and his infidelity to her in the same article. That’s right: J is not just awkward, boring, and irritating, he’s also unfaithful and dishonest.

Worse, he was a bad friend to a good friend of ours. So there is really no mercy here – nothing to stop me from making fun of, say, his belief that the flair he wears has to be symmetrical. “I have to wear this metal bracelet on my right arm”, he told me earnestly when we first met months ago, “because I have a metal earring in my left ear”.

I pointed out that he had a Transformers Autobot patch on his pants but nothing to counterbalance it. He deflected my criticism deftly, revealing the Decepticons armband he was wearing under his shirt. He had proven his symmetry at the cost of his dignity. We all have to make sacrifices for the things that are most important to us, I suppose.

Now, we are sitting directly behind him. “Shhhhh”, my date whispers. “Don’t let him know we’re here.” Fine by me. The show is about to start anyways, because the woman who’d been plastering Y108 posters around the theatre is about to get things going.

From the front of the theatre she nervously announces what we all know already: she’s from Y108. The good part is that she’s going to give away prizes based on correctly answering trivia questions (doing so at a premier last week had landed us the tickets to tonight’s show, so we are ready for action).

She explains that if you know the answer to the question, you need to stand up so she can point to you and you can shout it out.

“Who did Viggo Mortenson co-star with in Apollo 13?” she asks.

J jumps up along with various other hopeful theatre-goers. “You, in the black shirt and black toque”, she says, pointing directly at him.

“Me? Me?” he asks, looking behind him to see who else might be wearing his outfit. But no one else is wearing a winter hat in September. It’s his lucky day.

More hesitation, more awkward mumbling, cut short as he calls out triumphantly, “Apollo 13!”

The theatre is silent. Instead of answering, he’s just repeated part of the question. Everyone is confused. No one more so, it seems, then the promoter who asked the question in the first place.

“Good job,” she says, “come on down and get your prize.”

It really is J’s lucky day. Not only was he picked to answer, he answered wrong and got away with it, much to the consternation of everyone else. The theatre is awash with discontented grumbling. “Ed Harris!” shrieks a woman indignantly. She had stood up at the same time as J and damnit, she wants her rightful prize. “ED HARRIS!”

The promoter woman starts to catch on. “Wait a second…did you say Apollo 13?” But it’s too late. J is already back in his seat and even though he now knows he was in the wrong, there is no easy exit for him. No one asks him to return the tickets, which he is caressing nervously. A light red flush colors the back of his neck. He is hoping the promoter will just move on.

She does. “What trilogy did Viggo Mortenson previously star in?” she asks. I leap to my feet and bellow “APOLLO 13!” Laughter follows. “Fine,” J says, turning in his seat. “Go head and take my – ” He falls slient as he recognizes me. I look him in the eye and he turns back around.

Take that, you cheating symmetrical bastard.

————————

Dedicated to C. You know who you are, we love you.

Writing isn’t always easy, especially when you have to deal with unscrupulous editors. There’s nothing worse than working hard on something and leaving your desk to return and find it’s been mangled beyond recognition by someone who has only a basic understanding of the English language.

Life extension or frozen corpse preservation? You decide.