Nugatory, Dude

I subscribe to an email list from dictionary.com that sends me a new, generally uncommon word each day along with a definition and some example sentences. This helps me learn which words not to use if I want anyone to understand me. Which is helpful because I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t know what I’m talking about doesn’t mean they won’t pretend like they do. An acute disconnect in personal relationships is created whenever one person leaves a conversation thinking, “Wow, what a great conversation” while the other person leaves thinking, “What?”.

Today’s word is nugatory, which means “Trifling; insignificant; inconsequential.” It’s pronounced NOO-guh-tor-ee, which I think is pretty sweet. In fact, I can’t think of many cases where this word would not go well with dude. “Nugatory, dude!” just rolls off the tongue. Here’s a (made-up) example of how this word could actually be used:

The CN spokesperson introduced himself as JD. “Seriously, that’s my whole name,” he said. “I had it changed.” I asked him to comment on recent events in Wabamun.

“Here’s what you GOT to realize,” he said, tapping his desk with his pencil. “First of all, the amount of carcina…carcino… you know, cancer-causing chemicals, in the lake…” He trailed off. It appeared as though something on the end of his pencil had taken his attention. He peered closely at it and flicked at the eraser.

“Yes?” I prodded him. His head jerked up. He looked surprised to see that I was still there. “Where was I?” he asked. “You were talking about the amount of carcinogenic chemicals in the lake,” I reminded him.

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Yeah, so, there’s really only 80,000 litres or so that are actually IN the lake. I mean, the rest of it has been taken out of the lake by, uh, local residents and uhhhhh, their kids. I mean, what parent in their right minds would let their children touch a chemical that can cause skin cancer? Like, what a bummer for your kids, man!”

“No one knew there was a carcinogenic chemical in the lake until today,” I reminded him.

“Well, yeah, that’s a bummer too, right? I mean, personally, I’m sorry someone didn’t let everyone know about the carcinogenic pole oil a few days ago when the spill first happened, but like, how are we supposed to know what’s ON the train??? Do you know how long these trains are? And I mean, really, the chances of anyone getting cancer from this stuff are totally nugatory, dude.”

Then there’s parsimonious, a word which reminds me, unsurprisingly, of parsley and parsnips, but that actually means “Sparing in expenditure; frugal to excess.” Par-si-MOH-neeeeeeeee-usssss… The word has a niggling, irritating quality that suits it well, even though it does sound like a leafy green. Here’s another example:

I finally caught up to Larry Lucre, the CEO of CN Rail, on the tarmac at Pearson Airport. He was coming down the stairs of his Lear Jet carrying a bulging black briefcase.

“Mr. Lucre,” I called. “Can I have a minute of your time?”

“I don’t know,” he said, looking flustered as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. “Who are you? What do you want?”

“Ever since Canadian National was privatized in 1995, you’ve been laying off employees while increasing the length and weight of your trains. Some people think those polices are related to the environmental disaster that happened in Squamish, BC on August 5. Care to comment?” I asked.

“What you have to realize,” he replied, “is that we care deeply about the environment. And anyone can tell you that humans are bad for the environment. So the first step we took to protect the environment was to lay off people. Secondly, you have to realize that it’s not just the natural environment we have to be concerned with. The business environment we work in is also very important. And when I say ‘very important’, I mean, ‘very, very, VERY important’. In that environment, money is a resource. And it’s a very scarce resource. Very, very, VERY – ”

SPROING! His briefcase burst open. Stacks of $100 bills flew everywhere. “Damnit! Not again!” he exclaimed. “Give me a hand, would ya?”

I started helping him stuff the stacks of money back into the case. “So yeah, like I was saying,” he continued. “Money is VERY scarce here at CN. Here, take a stack for your troubles. Anyway, the business environment we work in calls on us to be parsimonious. Very, very, very parsimonious. Do you have any idea how much it’s going to cost to fix that rail car?”

Another great word is malfeasance, which means “Wrongdoing, misconduct, or misbehavior, especially by a public official.” This is one of those words I already knew but never got the courage to use, which is a shame, because it’s a great word. You can practically hear the slimy, official wrongdoing dripping off this word…mal-FEE-zuhn(t)s. Here we go:

CN has expressed outrage that US investigators have concluded that the fatal Amtrak crash in April 2004 was their fault. We asked CN’s Vice-President of Finance – and Safety, Barbara Parsnip, to comment.

“Assigning blame to us is an act of inspector malfeasance,” she said. “As VP of Finance – and Safety, I have have long recommended to US authorities that people living near our tracks take courses in train-dodging. Amtrak’s failure to ensure that Americans have this training, in addition to the standard Cleaning Up Cancerous Lakes course, can in no way be attributed to us. No further comment.”

So there you have it, three great words you’ll never use, unless you enjoy the smile-and-nod treatment. Enjoy!