Hockey Porn

I spent all weekend searching for a non-political topic to contribute to Ade, something that doesn’t involve cheap shots, and egos. Now, get a load of this:

www.aaahockey.com/hockeyenforcers/

For those of you familiar with the Ultimate Fighting Challenge (UFC), this event will come as no surprise. For those of you who like to watch UFC, it may come with welcome arms. As for hockey fans, I am sure opinions will be varied.

Let’s throw this out in the open, right off the bat. The Hockey Enforcers Fight Challenge isn’t really about hockey. It’s more like UFC in costume. This is about pay-per-view television, and one man’s quest to dupe people into buying into an absurd spectacle. If dog fights were legal, you could expect to see it on pay-per-view. In my opinion, this is the same thing.

As anyone who has fought on skates can tell you, there is very little detail, or artistry, worth noting in the technique. Swing hard, hold on to your opponent harder. More importantly, hockey fights are seldom about winning, they’re four-parts defense for every one-part attack. Most game-time scrums are choreographed to end quickly. The players end up off-balance and lying on the ice before either of them has a chance to land a real haymaker.

That said, there is sanctioned bare-knuckle boxing in most spectator hockey leagues. It gives people like Eddy “the tool” O’toole, or Link “the missing link” Gaetz a chance to ply their talent at being a talentless hockey player who can fight on skates. It is a cross that hockey fans have to bear. Fighting is likely too much a part of the fabric of the game we love to be given up lightly. It is an organizing structure, and stratagem in the increasingly physical game being offered by the NHL.

Steve Moore and Todd Bertuzzi are the latest victims, Moore, because he was injured, Bertuzzi because he was coached. Recall Marty McSorley before that, he got too violent for his britches and whacked Donald Brashear unconscious with his stick in 2001. Both incidents ended up in the courtroom, but the former had far worse repercussions for both players. For many, the jury is still out on Bertuzzi. He may not deserve to play in the NHL, but he still does. For Moore, he simply can’t play until his spine heals.

The only bona fide NHL player on the roster at the HE Challenge, one with more than a couple of games under the proverbial ‘ole fighting strap, was 41-year-old Bruins thug Lyndon Byers. He didn’t even show. So, you can imagine the level of hockey austerity this event carries. Not even Lyndon Byers, with his 25 goals over 10 NHL seasons (as a right winger!) could be bothered to show up. He was probably busy signing jocks at Hooters in Boston.

I can’t imagine that the Hockey Enforcers Challenge will ever be able to capture a huge pay-per-view audience. Especially when the NHL is actually playing – and fighting. It’s true, when you tune into the NHL, you’re not guaranteed any blood on the ice, and when you buy a concentrated hour of hockey fights on pay-per-view, you know just what you’re gonna get. However, it’s like they say about sex: the anticipation is part of the fulfillment. HE Challenge is tawdry hockey porn, and little else.